Thoughts.

whimsy picture for a whimsy post.

I have too many different ideas for how I want to live my life. I have done a really good job this year at not thinking, just living. I have (mostly) stopped obsessing over where to live, where to travel, what to do with myself, and stop with the expectations that I need to be far away in a cool city doing what I always thought I would be doing. 

Half of me loves stuff. I just love stuff, plain and simple. I want a house full of colors and patterns and kitsch. I'm sentimental and want to display tons of pictures and knickknacks from our traveling and adventures. I love shopping and picking out new things, whether they be for our home or for my wardrobe. I love trying a million different beauty products, I have at least twenty cleansers, moisturizers, and masks in my closet. I probably have two hundred eye shadows. I rarely even wear eye shadow.

The other half of me wants to be a minimalist. I want to have the basics - a nice couch, a comfy bed, crisp white walls with a ton of light coming through the windows in a small, simple house. I want to live in the middle of nature, with herbs growing in my kitchen and a garden in my backyard. Maybe a couple of chickens for fresh eggs. A little girl in rain boots and a swing hanging from a tree in the backyard. (This is the whimsy part. Bear with me.)

Half of me wants to live where I want to live, outside a city I love where I'm close enough to everything but far enough to not notice it if I don't want to. Half of me wants to stay where my sisters and babies are, because they are the most important things in my life, and what is a happy life without the most important things? Half of me wants to live my life on the road, figuring things out as we go along. Half of me wants to stay in one place for years and years and travel simply a few times a year. 

I'm not the most simple person. I get bored very easily. I'm always restless. But a part of me feels like I have created that for myself because I have so many expectations for life. But really, what are my expectations? I have an awesome husband, amazing sisters, a wonderful best friend and great friends all around the country. I have traveled to tons of states and countries. I have had times of stability. I have had times of quitting my job and going on a spontaneous month long road trip. I have had a bank account full of money and a bank account barely scraping by. I have had times of going out every night and drinking and doing drugs and I've had times of staying in for a month with netflix and ice cream. I have left everything behind and moved across the country. I've moved back.

I honestly can't think of anything in my life that I have desperately wanted to do that I haven't done (or plan on doing). Everything has changed this year, including me, and everything has been for the better. I'm striving to find a middle ground between two big parts of me. I'm working on long term plans rather than I'M BORED, LET'S THROW EVERYTHING TO THE WIND. I guess with a chart full of libra and gemini I'll always be striving for balance, but right now I feel satisfied, and in a way, settled for the first time.